Tuesday, October 1, 2013

To be or not to be, that is the question.

So today, I decided to study Renal Physiology.
Physiology is the subject I hate the most this semester.
It is undeniably the most interesting, but it is also the most challenging.
We have a lot of readings and memorization, despite the fact that what we are studying about the human body is merely an overview.
Studying this afternoon revealed to me how much enjoyment I get at studying human life!
I deny it a lot, but I like learning about these things.
You know what I hated about it?
I hated Physiology because it required so much work.

Photo grabbed here.
Lately, God is giving me so much work.
I do not deserve any of these ministries, but His grace qualifies me.
Just last month, He started giving me new Bible studies to lead, more girls to mentor, and more challenge in the ministries I already have.
All these, while also raising the challenge in my academic life a notch.
I see all these as a blessing. Yet, I could not hide it - sometimes I do get tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally and somehow, spiritually.

Lately, I've been asking God.
I know I prayed many times that I wanted to grow deeper in Him.. Yet during the times when I feel the weight of it all, I can't help but ask God.. Why this heavy so suddenly? He did not increase the workload little by little.. But in only a matter of weeks, the weight increased tenfold!

I talked to people I trust about this heavy burden.
I prayed a lot about this for days. In fact, my heart cried out to God about this a number of times.

Little by little, He shows me why.

You know why God increases the workload?
It is because He sees your potentials and He sees that you have so much more you could do!
He knows how to maximize you to a level that your potentials would be materialized.
God knows I am capable of something more.
And seeing how I reacted in all these "level ups", I realize that I was lowering my standards a lot.
Just because I hate the pressure and the work that goes with big ministries!

Now I know that He's entrusting to me these responsibilities as a precursor to something bigger than I have ever imagined!

Who knows?
The pressure of being accountable for more girls than what I initially prayed for is just a little training to a bigger ministry to women that He has prepared for me.
My extra extra difficult Renal Physiology could be a little training for the future harder stuff He'd teach me.
All these He throws my way to lead me to my calling, the unique purpose in His mind when He was creating me, Faye Ann de Leon Medina.

When God called Jeremiah, this is what He said to Him:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5
All these things make me seek more intentionally than ever, what is my unique purpose, Lord?
What is my calling?

As a sheep seeking my Shepherd's direction, I was amazed at His voice today.
Quite unexpectedly, my brother (once again) asked me if I am considering Medicine as a post-graduate pursuit.
I casually answered, "Yeah, I'd take NMAT, with or without plans of continuing to Med, and I'll start from the results of that."
Curious of his inquiry, I googled stuff about being a doctor.
I stumbled upon this testimonial somewhere which really touched my heart:
"       Taking up Medicine or becoming a doctor for me first and foremost is a calling. If you are called to become a doctor, no matter what happens, you will become one. It is such a hard course that will test its student to their limits physically, mentally and emotionally. The first three years are purely academic, you have to read a lot and memorize a lot. The last year was the baptism of fire wherein you have to endure one year of rotating duties on different departments in different hospitals. Here, doctors are tested and made. It brings out the best and worse qualities one has and those who endure will be awarded with the coveted MD insignia after their name.
       Is it interesting: Let me put it this way, you get to study the best creation. human life! And yes, once you graduate (although studying never stops at graduation) , you become partaker or should I say instrument of God's healing. Isn't that interesting?
       It is difficult. You have to read a lot, memorize a lot and sacrifice a lot of time with family and friends and even love ones. Just thinking of being able to help alleviate pain and disease of other people will already give joy to your heart. That alone makes it enjoyable. You handle life itself. Although Medicine is never an exact science, thinking that you hold the other person's health (or life) in your hand, makes you want do everything you can; there lies the challenge."
Since my kindergarten days, this to-be-a-doctor-or-not dilemma has been haunting me.
Am I running away from it just because I don't like the pressure and hardship that goes with it?
Or God wants something else (something bigger and more suitable) for me?

Nothing is clear yet.
But from everything happening around me right now, I have an assurance that
my God is holding my hand,
leading me to that place He calls me to go.

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